Fuck Depression

The boyfriend texted me the other night, around the 30th.  Said he was in a bad place and wanted to talk.

He cheated on me, and yeah, he did that.  He refused to decide what to do, to leave me, to stay and get help or take a break and get help.  There was a fight.  He refused to decide.  I decided I stopped caring.  Then he texted, he was in a bad place and wanted to talk.

He decided he wanted a break.  Time to get shit straight, before decided a big thing like, breaking up.

We drafted the terms.  Right there on my phone.

Three months

Meet up again March 30th

No girls for him

He gets help

And he needed to call the whore and tell her no contact until the 30th

I called his mom right then and there with his blessing and she is going to drag his ass to therapy if needed.  His mom and dad agree he needs help.  The last people in his life agree he needs help.  The boyfriend knows he needs help, but admitted he may need to be dragged.  I passed that on to his mom.

His whore doesn’t think he needs help…

I am trying not to hope.

I don’t want to be hurt, or hurting.

I dared to hope.

Something drew me to his facebook page, his mom has been posting cool stuff about insomnia.  I have been blocked.  Why would I be blocked?  All I can think is that he’s not keeping his end of the deal up, and he’s talking to his whore.

My stomach has gone into knots and I’m trying very hard not to cry.

I don’t know how not to be optimistic.  I don’t know how to plan on the worst.  I don’t know what to do.

I’m making myself crazy and it’s late and my friends are asleep.  Tomorrow I have to be places.  I need to sleep and be rested.

I just don’t understand.  He freaks out.  He says he loves me and always will.  He says he can’t stand the idea of losing me as a friend and that he is confused.

It doesn’t help that I heard through the grapevine that he will be reffing a tournament tomorrow that his fucking hussy will also be reffing.

I miss that he’s not here.

He’s my best friend, why would he do this?

I am really tired of feeling like this.  But I have no proof, this is all on me.  I’m making myself crazy.  He’s not trustworthy, but I have to trust him.  How completely fucked up is that?  I am feeling like an idiot again.

I’ll learn to handle this.  And I know this sounds whiney and childish, but this is so unfair.  Really, I just want to love him, and be friends again.  I didn’t do anything to deserve this treatment.  I have done everything right.  I have done everything I could.

It’s two weeks into three months.  This will get easier.

Fuck Depression.

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