Fuck You

I never did anything to deserve this pain.  I never did anything to incur this wrath.  Really, I just wanted to love you.  Somehow that was too much.

I want to ask what did I ever do to you.  I want to feel more than numb.

What the fuck does she have?  What allure does she present?  Is it the danger of it all?

I am sick to shit of the lies, your lies.

I only loved you, but that wasn’t enough.

I wish I felt more, more anger, more hurt more than this knot in my stomach.  But I can’t.  You win, you wore me out.  I’ve caught your stupid fucking disease.

Why can’t you just break it off with me?  Grow a fucking pair and do something.  Leaving me to hurt, leaving me to wonder… How can you live with yourself?

So, now what?  You really win this time.  I’m out of tears for you.  I cry for me, for being such a fucking idiot.  How could I be so blind to your absolute assholery?

And now the question, if I send this to you, will you just never talk to me again and hide further in the cave that is your fucked up life?  The life you created for yourself.  There is really no one left to blame.  You did this to you and to me.  Granted, I let you hurt me.  I take some responsibility.  But if you weren’t fucking her, I wouldn’t have this knot in my stomach, and I’d be able to function.

I really can’t believe the depths to which you’ve taken this.  I trusted you.  I gave you everything.  And this is what I get.  This hurts.  I’d rather be dead than here.  You won’t even be a man and own what you’ve done to me.

I’m so sorry you hurt and that your brain hates you.  You know I’d give anything to make you better.  But you won’t give a thing to get better.  Not your time, not your energy.  You don’t give a flying fuck.  You just want to fuck who you please and to hell with whomever you hurt.

Bravo lover!  You finally win.  You have killed that light inside.  I’m as dark and dull as you.  Now what?  What is your grand scheme since you’ve finally broken my spirit, darkened my hope and killed my sense of joy?  Now will you leave, unceremoniously?  Will you just never call and fade off in to the oblivion you’ve created?

And thanks for waiting until Christmas time, while I’m still reeling from the death of my Nana.  I just got the most amazing Guinness dimpled pint jug that was hers.  It is the most wonderful thing.  I know you’re incapable of love, so I don’t expect you to understand.

My eye is twitching again.  Thanks, I needed that too.  That and my scalp is itchy.  Oh, and let’s not forget the fact I can’t seem to keep food in my stomach long enough to digest it.

Thanks lover, you really hit me with this when I could really handle it.  Did you think, oh look, she’s taken such a beating from work, school and her other relationships, let me tell her now about how I can’t control where I stick my penis.  I really appreciate you waiting until I wasn’t so overwhelmed with death, stress and failure.

You are so god damn selfish.

To think, really, all I wanted was to love you.  To be there for you.  You are right, I want a husband and a happy life.  It’s not the crime you make it out to be.  Remember, you wanted a wife and a happy little home not long ago.  You changed, not me.  Whoever you used to be just fucking vanished and left me here holding what was our dream.  The depressed asshole that replaced you is cruel and awful.  I want the old you back, but somehow you seem to think this new fuck face is better.  Why do you want to be an asshole?

You were supposed to be planning our engagement right now, this Christmas.  At one point you even said you thought the same thing.  One discussion, you cried and you said you thought this Christmas we’d be engaged too.  This Christmas, days away.  And now what?  I can’t imagine your disappearing act is all about finding the perfect ring.

And why vanish?  Why can’t you be a man and say, sorry not tonight I have plans.  The only conclusion I can draw is you are fucking her.  I recall you saying you wouldn’t stick your fucked up corrupt cock in her until you figured your shit out.  Is that still a valid thing?  I also recall you saying something like, I love you, and oh yeah, that commitment thing you agreed to, and what about I will be always be there for you no matter what.  Oh and wait, what about the part you said it was over with her?  The part I believed, the part that you lied about over and over and over.

I feel like an idiot.  I kinda hate you.   You have no balls.  You are a cowardice chicken shit.  And truthfully, I take back what I said about you being a good man.

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One thought on “Fuck You

  1. Pingback: 12.15.13 – Random Update | Life On My Gay Island

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