A New Purgatory

It’s been a rough weekend.  The boyfriend is in another state, which for the most part, hasn’t changed my life that dramatically…or really at all.  But not having him a 20 minute drive away has stressed me out in odd ways.  At least, that seems to be what has happened.  I’m so thrilled to be picking him up from the airport shortly.  I want him to have missed me.  But I’m also terrified he hasn’t even noticed I wasn’t there.

Things have changed lately.  He’s no longer depressed boy in his room.  He’s getting out more.  He wants things to change.  He started studying for some computer certification test.  He’s still nowhere near 100%, he hasn’t even tried to find a job, can’t seem to finish anything he’s started, and he’s still…off.

The biggest thing that has changed is his relations towards me.  He’s on a new tangent about our relationship.  He says he doesn’t want to lose me as his best friend, but isn’t sure he wants to keep dating.  This is so much harder than him just disliking me.  I can’t tell if this is depression or the boyfriend.  I suggested an extended break, like a month or two of no contact.  Give him a chance to figure out what he wants.  He adamantly declines.  I think it’s because then he’ll have to face his issues and stop blaming me and our relationship for sinking his life.  I am confident that deep down somewhere he knows this too.

Even worse, he doesn’t really treat me like a friend either.  He recently lied about a few little things he thought I’d be upset about.  He thought I’d make a big deal out of it and start a fight.  I listened to all of what he said, then countered with, when has that ever happened?  I’m not perfect, and yes, there are a few small things that will set me straight off into a Tasmanian Devil like tantrum, these were not those topics.

I’m trapped in a relationship purgatory.  I think a break would work wonders for the boyfriend.  Let him sort out his messy head without me as a distraction.  But I really think he needs to agree, or it’s just another “thing” that I made him do, and not the opportunity for growth it could be.

With more frequency, he’s been saying  that he wants things better, that he wants to be better.  But he won’t take steps in that direction.  I suggested he talk to someone close, specifically regarding the issues he’s having about us.  He refuses, says they are his troubles to deal with.  At that point I kindly reminded him that my attempt to solve it all on my own led me to a cliff hoping to be pushed off by a kind passerby.

I think this may be his depression tar monster.  It makes sense to me that if he is feeling no love for himself, that he also sees the absolute impossibility of truly loving someone else.  As an act of kindness, he thinks it’d be best to set me free.  But he can’t stand the idea of losing his best friend, hence he’s torn.

I lightheartedly asked him the other night, you like me, you enjoy the time we spend together, we’re best friends and you find me attractive…why is it you want to break up?  I’m happy to say he just kinda chuckled at me.

It is dreadful to love someone so fully and watch them suffer.

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